Freddy Pharkas, Frontier Pharmacist
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The Ballad of Freddy Pharkas

Freddy Baby
He was born in old St. Louie,

By the age of four Dad knew he was the

Best little crackshot the West had ever seen.
Freddy Adolescent
By the time he reached pubescence,

He could outshoot all the adolescents

West of Durango and North of Abilene.
Freddy Deputy
Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.

Famous gunslingin' deputy.

Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas,

Frontier hero-to-be.
Freddy and Outlaw
Then one day young Freddy Pharkas

Stared at eyes as black and dark as Night, the

Eyes of an outlaw, well-known throughout the West.
Freddy Battle
Oh, the tough kid's name was Kenny,

And he outdrew Freddy Pharkas when he

Shot Freddy's ear off, to prove who was the best.
Freddy Ear Wounded
Now our hero, Freddy Pharkas,
With his wounded pride and earless carcass,
Vowed to the heavens to give up gunnery.
He'd be better off, he reckoned,
With the lifelong dream that always beckoned:
Pestles, not pistols, and pharmacology.
Freddy College
Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas,

Highest score on his S.A.T.,

Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas,

Five-year college degree.
Freddy Coarsegold
After Fred matriculated,

Got his Ph.D. and graduated,

Moved out to Coarsegold and bought a pharmacy,
Freddy Pharmacist
He's a real prescription writer,

And they don't know he's an ex-gunfighter,

Locked up his mem'ries, repressed them totally.
Freddy Schoolmarm
But his peaceful new survival

Soon was shot to hell upon arrival

Of Coarsegold's schoolmarm, the sweet Penelope.
Freddy Penelope
She had captured Fred's affection,

But he's scared he'll get a huge... rejection,

Can't bear to tell her just what he used to be.
Freddy Free
Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.

Frontier Pharmacist bourgeoisie,

Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.

Peerless, earless and free!

Copyright © 2000-2017 by Andrew Zitnay. All images are copyright © 1993-1995 by Sierra On-Line, Inc.